he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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