Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
