so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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