whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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