I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
