why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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