I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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