The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
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so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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