Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
