Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
