Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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