please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
