I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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