I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
