I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
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I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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