i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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