Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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