I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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