i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
