she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
