the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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