Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
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Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
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Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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