Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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