I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
