im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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