There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
