My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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