you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize