Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
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Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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