and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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