i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
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He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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