I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
