I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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