u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
