I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
