I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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