oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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