Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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