just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
