So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
