Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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