party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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