The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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