did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
