Three words: puerto rican gang bang
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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