I saw his package. It spoke to me.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
