you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
