i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
