nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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