Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All I want is dick and wine.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
