went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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