dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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