Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.