I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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