May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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